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I Left You Hangin' a Snoob

Sorry about that friends!! I assumed you all had the smallest attention span ever like me, so I cut my last blog short... then a bunch of you wrote me with something along the lines of :

What the hell, Caley!? You basically told us NOTHING in your last post.

So I SUPPOSE I can fill you in a bit more. You're welcome in advance - because you get the details... and that's where the laughter (and embarrassment) is! (why doesn't this dumb blog site have an emoji option... doesn't it know I want to insert a hilarious face here... and now an angry face b/c that's not an option)

Ok so back to the last couple months...honeymooning, hand surgery... you know - keeping things interesting. A new phenomena I added to the list was that I was growing boobs for the first time in like forever. Goodbye SNOOBS - hello girls. (oh if you don't know what a snoob is, it's like a snail and a boob - because it hangs on down and you can roll it on up right into your bra like a snail shell. Breastfeeding moms... you know what I'm talking about..)

I know what you're thinking - YEAH BOOBS!!!

NO - not my take. In fact I almost did a #GMS (my daily live videos) about how boobs suck and I didn't know why anyone would actually pay to have them. They hurt; they're hard as shit; you can't lie on your stomach comfortably and running BLOWS with them, whatever. (Apparently I'm all about functionality lol)

Of course, I took a courtesy pregnancy test at this time b/c boobs = pregnant...NOPE... negative. A couple weeks later I went in for my annual OBGYN appt. I told my doc about my Dolly Parton phenom, and she gave me a bit of an extra rub down for investigational purposes and did another pregnancy test...negative. Then she sent me in for my first ever mammogram to see what was up - YEAH! Not many 38 year olds get to do those!

Results came in clear, so I concluded that God finally just wanted this girl to have boobs... I would have to learn to live with them. Most certainly - DISREGARD ALL OF THE OTHER SIGNS... ladies who are not yet moms (or who are dense as me) take note... these things mean you TOO could be prego:

  1. TIRED AS SHIT: I seriously just thought I was still getting over our family virus from a couple weeks before. There I was - napping on my front porch... there I was, falling asleep while on my computer... SO not normal for this girl.

  2. DIZZY DIZZY DIZZY: I remember going on runs when I was prego with Kinzey, not knowing yet, and stopping repeatedly b/c I was SOOOOO dizzy. Well this time around, I blamed my lightheaded spins on my "leftover Bronchitis." (I made that up of course) Makes sense right...I mean I was shallow breathing all day long, so why wouldn't I be dizzy!?

  3. BARFY WITH NO BARFS: Helllllllo nausea! This one confused me. I felt sick a bit (not barfy but just yacky... you know what I mean) every time I ate. Didn't matter what I ate or when I ate... ughhhhh. No answer here - just ignored it.

  4. PEEING EVERY 20 MINUTES: This one is good... I upped my Cell U Loss intake... (well I thought I did b/c I had thought about it, but I really didn't) so I thought it made perfect sense to pee non stop... TOTALLY - if any of it were true....

Now combine all this with my new-found-melons and you think I could have figured things out a bit quicker. But be fair! I had 3 tests done already (did I mention the one before my arm surgery... negative)

OK so FINALLY ---> I'm sure you are bored out of your mind by now ---> We are finally at May 30th. After another evening of joking about my "girls; I went to bed laughing a bit knowing there was no chance, and woke up to a dream of me taking another damn test.

So I woke up, went downstairs to my stash (leftover from test one) and peed on that damn stick.

Morning Pee is the Best Pee for a Pregnancy Test - didn't you know!

I watched the test pass through like I always did (remember I had to be on drugs to conceive Jayce so I have done like 100 of these before) and was ready to see the liquid flow through the first window clear as day and mark up the second - NORMAL...

This is where I yell - PLOT TWIST!!

The first window filled and that little pregnancy line instantly appeared. PS - this doesn't accidentally happen. This means my HCG levels were HIGH high...

And that was that! I took about 5 minutes to wrap my brain around this completely unexpected turn of events, looked in the mirror, grinned and ran upstairs to show John our pee stick. Congrats honey - we made a baby.

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