OK let’s first start out today by celebrating the fact that I figured how to put emoji‘s in my post! ROUND OF APPLAUSE FOR ME!! 👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼 You just use your phone to blog instead of your computer guys! (which is a lie b/c my phone wouldn't post so I am back on my computer but at least HALF of the emojies work!!) PLUS I can literally talk to text this bad boy out (except it’s not a text it’s a blog but whatev) -—> BOOOM 💥 CELEBRATE!!
Moving on to the subject at hand - BARF! (no the barf emoji will NOT show up damn it.) Two posts ago I mentioned how I’ve been nauseous but that really just meant yacky. Which for some reason in my brain means not barfy or barfing but queasy like a hangover where you just ate for the first time after tying one on the night before and the next morning you shovel in heavy ass carbs justifying the nasty poor quality of calories because you’ll do ANYTHING to feel better, but the reality is:
You still feel like shit.
😵Welcome to Level 1 of morning sickness friends! And you know what – let me just clear this up right now. Whatever dumb ass decided to call it “morning sickness” definitely was not pregnant - probably some man or something. (Sorry boys) It should be called:
Morning Mid-Morning Noon Afternoon Nighttime Bed Time Unless You’re Asleep Sickness.
But I guess that doesn’t have a ring to it.
So that’s been me for the last three or so weeks. Not every day but many days and of course it’s different for everyone – on and off. For some of you lucky son of a guns 💪🏼 – this happens not at all. But for you unlucky ones - it gets worse...
Hangover analogy continues: OK so you know when you’re going out and things start to get out of hand. Maybe you think – alright alright I’ll just do one shot (even though I don’t usually do ANY shots.) And 20 minutes later you turn around and your bestie puts another shot in your hand and now your inhibitions are down so you throw the booze down the hatch 😳. And somewhere along the night you realize it’s Jager that you were tossing back and one shot turns into multiple shots… This is when things go bad. This is when you wake up next morning and you’re not just yacky but you are utterly sick. I mean laying on the floor of your bathroom with a cold towel across your head ready to puke or 💩😳 your brains out at any moment. I believe this is when you took it too far.
😵😵Meet Level 2 of Morning Sickness!
So now you’re starting to empathize right! Well this is the stage I got to experience on Wednesday traveling from Colorado down to the Caribbean. What a special day! We kicked it off at two in the morning and I greeted the porcelain gods of DIA almost immediately when I got to the terminal. The fun thing is when nothing’s in your stomach and you get to just yack up stomach acid and water! RIGHT!? Uhhh huh! Grin and bear it!
So I will tell you what I did... take notes from the master! I threw down an Everything Bagel from Einstein‘s thinking that would soak up the yack even though bagels aren’t one of my known food groups. That calmed the storm for about 30 minutes. Then I chowed down the pretzels they give you on the airplane - 20 minutes of relief. No prob - I grabbed onto some nasty cookie cracker thing on the next flight and bought myself another 40 minutes… And so on and so forth. Eat carbs —> calm tummy —> wait 'til near barf moment —> eat carbs. 😂 What a beautiful cycle!
😵😵😵 Level 3 of Morning Sickness
This level of "hangover" we don't like to even talk about. It's the kind we just cross our fingers and hope never happens. I do want to give a loving encouraging shout out to any moms that couldn’t even get out of bed when preggers.
So now you know maybe a touch about how it feels to have Morning Mid-Morning Noon Afternoon Nighttime Bed Time Unless You’re Asleep Sickness.
Secret of Success for my Mommas-to-be:
While hangovers can be avoided, morning sickness is just something special God gives some of us. Once that baby is up in there... embrace the sickness b/c you're not the boss of it. Make a game out of it. See how many records you can set for barfs or almost barfs! Create a pool with your friends! Carry fresh pink ginger slivers (you know the kind served with the sushi you can no longer eat) around on a skewer and snack off of it like it's a lollipop! EMBRACE THE JOURNEY!
Secret of Success for the REST of You with Hangovers:
The obvious answer for this is debacle is… Drink Less. The reality is you would drink less but you're too busy dancing... or laughing with your friends... or playing Cards of Humanity or.... whatever and you straight up get over-served sometimes (by that I mean got over-served by YOURSELF) and you simply forget to drink less! I don’t know – maybe it's the booze talking. Because obviously otherwise you would stop chugging way sooner to avoid that pit in your stomach and throbbing headache of the following morning. So... live it up and just act like you have a #bunintheover the next morning and celebrate life (let's hope this is a fake scenario and you really didn't make a baby the night before in a state of debauchery.
IN CONCLUSION (yep, now I'm super formal like this is a thesis) For my non-pregnant friends– that’s what a lot of “morning sickness“ feels like - the yacky not barfy and the barfy not the yacky. So if you want to empathize with your pregnant wife or friend – tie one on tonight!